Preparing for Radio Silent

In less than 24 hours, we will be well on our way to Belize. Or at least Dallas, but you get the idea. That first step of getting on the plane, will be big. I'm too excited to really find a word better than "excited". It's sort of surreal. So much planning, anticipating, praying, preparing. Finally coming to fruition.

It's going to be interesting to be "unplugged". I know this is part of the experience and challenge, to leave the electronics at home. But after the hurricane, we're not even positive if the option is available to plug in as power is intermittent at best. No phones, no computers, no radio, no hair dryer. We are truly unplugged.

I am definitely of the generation of people whose smart phone is a lifeline. It's how I connect to people. I can call, email, text, facebook.... I'm never more than a few taps away from pretty much anyone with whom I'd like to interact. It's also entertainment, organization, planning. It tells me when my bills are due, when I have appointments and meetings, what the weather is doing (everywhere). I'm even in touch with God on my smart phone (come on, you all know the Holy Bible app on the iphone is awesome!).

But guess what, billions of people around the world get by without a phone. Or really anything but the true essentials. Food, water, shelter, and each other. Some have even less. This feels like a huge culture shock and being drop-kicked out of my comfort bubble, but when I really think about it, it is silly to even give a second thought. I can surely survive a week without it. I will connect with the people around me, and with God. It will be such an adventure!!

That said, I also will not be blogging, obviously. The plan is for a group blog, but again that depends on the electricity situation. If you're interested in what I/we am/are up to...there are several places to look.

First, the group blog. csmissions.wordpress.com and follow the links for "Belize 2010 team".

This is where I will be. It may not look quite like this after the hurricane.

This is the mission website with more photos and information

I bought a beautiful journal to take with me. I'm not huge on journaling in general, as I prefer the implied audience of blogging. It opens up my creative mind for writing. But now that I've been doing it consistently, and have people reading it, I feel inspired to journal in lieu of blogging to document my trip, experiences, emotions, and everything in between. I will certainly share some of it when I get back.

Many of my loved ones are worried for me (even more are excited). They are nervous or afraid of the travel to another country. Of people who hate Americans. Of hurricanes. All I can say is that I have faith to core of my soul that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. I am not afraid. If it's meant to be the end of my story, then I trust God in that. However, I also have faith that God isn't done with me. This is the beginning. I'm not finished here. I take comfort in trusting it to Him to protect me and bring me back home. And with everything going on in my life in these past weeks, I have joy in the fact that I have something to come home to.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 28:11

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Be flexible. We'll plan but be ready to be flexible. Flexibility is key.
This has been the resounding message from Day 1 of planning for the Belize trip. What? So I should go to yoga more often? No, silly...they're saying Type A-ers shall have an extremely difficult time letting go of control and adapting to the inevitable changes in "plans" for a mission trip.

I tend to be more on the side of "go with the flow" when it comes to, well everything. I know this is part of my personality that people around me love, as it drives them crazy. But, I figured it will be advantageous will the whole "be flexible" thing.

So....we haven't even left yet and things have changed. And changed some more. And changed yet more. And guess what....probably not done with the changing. I'm not freaking out yet, but some of the changes make me a little sad. I've learned to trust God in these moments, but it's still a bummer. Unfortunately we had another team drop out for personal reasons, and our fearless leader was replaced with just under a week before departure. I don't know the details, and if I did, they're not mine to share. All I know is that they are not going, and I wish they were.

For me, I think it is God continuing to challenge me to lean on Him alone. I could see that I was starting to lean on this person for comfort and strength going into the trip, as he was our leader and a friend (well he is still a friend, but not one who is going on the trip). I'm certain this change was not brought only simply because of my journey and struggles, but I do see how it will directly impact me in this trip. I have always considered myself an independent person, but I see now the pattern of codependence in emotional matters. Yes, I can change a tire, smash a cockroach, and hang a painting. I can build a bookshelf, move a couch, and unclog a drain. Yes, yes, we're so impressed. But whether things are going well or really bad, I lean heavily on the people around me for support. I know I don't have all the answers, and I can't do it alone....however, my inner circle doesn't have all the answers either, and sometimes I am just too much for them to hold up (I am six feet tall, after all...). I feel God pulling me towards him for this support, love, and clarity I seek. And with the call the be uber flexible this coming week, I think I will need to reach to Him more than ever.

In my sadness and bummed-ness, I am thankful for the lessons learned. I hope, no I know, that the other people involved will come through at some point with better perspectives of why things turned out the way they did, and that they and we will be stronger and closer to God because of it.

I Will Survive, Keep on Survivin

1 week. 7 days. 168 hours. 10,080 minutes.

Made it through 1 week. Sleep deprived, lonely and 5 pounds lighter. But 7 days stronger. 168 hours wiser. 10,080 minutes closer to God.

I'm gonna make it.

The Guitar Story

As time goes on, I'm losing the details of the guitar story aka Best Birthday Ever. So I think it's time to document it.

Way back in the day I wanted to learn how to play guitar. I made a weak attempt involving a dvd and a friend who played by ear, and never really got anywhere. When I started college I pretty much gave it up.

Fast forward 10 years and I think I'm too old to learn such a skill. However, some gentle encouragement of a dear friend helped me realize that this dream wasn't dead.

I knew it would be a while before I would be able to buy a guitar, an amp, lessons, etc. Then my birthday rolled around. A group of my closest friends and I went out for an awesome hibachi dinner. I knew I wasn't getting a guitar for my birthday, but the surprise was so much better than just opening up my dream guitar. My new bf at the time had orchestrated my family and friends, whether he had met them yet or not, to make it happen. I didn't get the electric guitar, but at present time I did receive funding for the lessons, the guitar or whatever other accessories I wanted....and then of course was the fischer price guitar. Trust me, that's the only was to learn how to play.

No one had ever done such a sweet thing to surprise me. I was able to arrange to start lessons with my good friend who is an amazing guitarist and teacher....a stark contrast to my HS friend who just played then handed me the guitar and said "ok now you do it!".... I started shopping for the perfect (beginner) guitar, I consulted with my rockstar uncle for suggestions. The suggestion led to an offer to borrow one of his guitars that were yearning to be played. I politely declined learning on the Warren Haynes signature Les Paul, despite the fact that it happens to be exactly what I want to play. At this stage I would be afraid to touch it. He sent instead the perfect sleek royal blue semi hollow body. I couldn't have picked a guitar better suited for myself.

I suddenly had everything I needed...
I've now been playing for about 3 months, and while I certainly have a long way to go before I can start touring, I have come quite a long way from figuring out how to hold it and tune it. Today I even figured out how to play one of my favorite worship songs (now two for two...). I'm picking up some the "Best Rock Guitar Songs Ever". Seriously that's the name of my book....And you better believe that includes Crazy Train!

Sister Christian is next on the list, by popular demand. ;)

No Diggity, No Doubt

**disclaimer** this quickly became quite tangential, personal, and full of God. It is not even close to what I originally intended when I opened my computer. However, I am not editing it. Read on if you dare....

I'm trying to figure out this self-destructive tendency we employ when we are hurting. I can't quite tell if it's intentional, subconscious, or what. Is it because emotional pain is so intangible that we need a physical source to legitimize it? These questions come to me because I am a total girl (contrary to popular belief especially of certain guy-friends of mine) and I find myself doing stupid girl things in sad times.

There are certainly productive ways to distract ourselves and even move towards healing, but even in the midst of those things there are either over-compensatory behaviors that become destructive, or more subtle actions that undermine the process. Here's what I'm talking about....some people work out, HARD, when they are upset. Ok fine...I'm a PT. I get that exercise releases endorphins, calms us down, and improves our overall wellbeing so sleeping and energy come more naturally. But hitting the extreme of that can cause exhaustion, malnourishment, and actual musculoskeletal injuries.

On the flipside, you may find that you just don't have the physical or mental capacity to go run or whatever your sport is. So then you get more lethargic and achy and fat. Throw in comfort food, and we all see where this path leads. This coming from someone who has had frozen dairy products for dinner on three occasions over the past week...

Sleep deprivation also is not helping my cause. I've slept fewer nights than I've eaten ice cream. This clearly is not a choice. I love sleep. I typically love dreaming, but even my vivid dreams are forsaking me right now and I wish I could forget them when I wake. Boo. I honestly can't tell you if I've showered every day this week. I have made it into work every day, but somehow I've reinstated my caffeine addict status. It may, or may not have something to do with the not sleeping.

I'm getting way off course with my own examples.....there are many other things people do to "cope". Driving too fast, skipping out on work and responsibilities, drinking too much, having sex with inappropriate people, breaking things and destroying memories. Why do we do this? We are only harming ourselves more in the long run? It just doesn't make sense.

I'm trying so hard to reach out and fall into God's loving arms, and let Him take care of the hurt. Unfortunately in the context of eternity, the result can feel like it takes foreeeeeeeeevvvvvveeeeerrrrr..... But still I trust, that in His time, my heart will be healed.

Is it that simple? No, nothing is ever really simple. But I think hitting the pain head on with the Creator of the Universe in your corner is certainly more productive than punching walls or dabbling in early onset diabetes.
All we have to do is trust. Not obey first. Just trust. I have been listening to sermons, reading scripture and other text all week, and received so much love and advice. It's overwhelming to put it all together. The common theme....leave it to God. Every bit of it.

A lesson learned here is that my heart craves love and acceptance. I have abandonment issues and have suffered with loneliness off and on for as long as I can remember. When I find love, I have a paralyzing fear of failure and losing it. And then I fail and lose it. What I'm finally realizing, is that no person will ever fulfill that need in me. Only God. I will elaborate on this later....but for now will end with this:  1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect loves drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."



New topic.....You may or may not have noticed how much I pay attention to music. Song lyrics and titles plague my brain like a natural soundtrack to my life. I take comfort in relating to songs, and more recently in creating music. Now back to my being a total girl, I am drawn to music on an emotional level. I often hear a song that just captures my heart at that moment, and I like to share it because it feels like I'm letting people in to what I'm feeling inside. It's come to my attention that No Doubt, one of my favorite groups for years, has two prominent break up songs, and I can't decide which is better. I kind of want to take a poll. One is heart-wrenching, soulful, vulnerable and true. The other is the in your face, screw you, I should have known better anyway message. One aims to commiserate, the other to get over it. Both make me sing.

Don't Speak

You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together, always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though
You're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know

Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts

Our memories
They can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die
Both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry

Don't speak

I know just what you're saying

So please stop explaining

Don't tell me cause it hurts

Don't speak

I know what you're thinking

I don't need your reasons

Don't tell me cause it hurts

It's all ending

I gotta stop pretending who are are

You and me

I can see us dying

Are we? 

So that is quite a contrast from......

Ex-Girlfriend

I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend

I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend

I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend

I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them

And you know it makes me sick to be on that list

But I should have thought of that before we kissed

You say you're gonna burn before you mellow

I will be the one to burn you

Why'd you have to go and pick me?

When you knew that we were different, completely

I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend

I kinda always knew I'd end upyour ex-girlfriend

I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them

I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend

I'm another ex-girlfriend on your list

But I should have thought of that before we kissed

Your wildness scares me

So does your freedom

You say you can't stand the restrictions

I find myself trying to change you

If you were meant to be my lover I wouldn't have to

And I feel so mean

I feel in between

Cause I'm about to give you away

For someone else to take

Am I making a mistake?

All the time that we wasted

I'm another ex-girlfriend on your list

But I should have thought of that before we kissed

We keep repeating mistakes for souvenirs

And we've been in between the days for years

And I know that when I see you I'm going to die

I know I'm going to want you and you know why

It's going to kill me to see you with the next girl

Cause I'm the most gorgeously jealous kind of ex-girl

But I should have thought of that before we kissed

Either way...I adore Gwen for so eloquently capturing what girls feel like when they are rejected. Maybe I'm immature for agreeing with it and sharing it, but if you're reading my blog, it's because you are curious about me and what I'm thinking and feeling. This is what I'm thinking and feeling today. 

Listen to the Music

Alternate title: "Guitar Hero I am Not"

*almost* skipped my lesson this week due to being super duper lame. Thankfully my good friend providing said lessons convinced me that it was precisely what I needed yesterday. "get lost in the music girlfriend!"
Love it.

I feel re-energized in learning and playing after the lesson. For the last week or so, I walked past my guitar repeatedly. We stared each other down like it was the Old West....ugh, you again. No, I don't want to play you. Oh, you don't want me to play you? Well good! Cause I wasn't going to! That list of songs scribbled down that I want to learn? No, I didn't really want to learn those either. Fine...fine!

This later gave way to guilt and stress about going to my lesson. Ultimately, the lessons are for my own good, right. I have someone to teach me and help me and correct me. But it's also accountability. If I haven't played all week, then I have not improved, and am probably worse than the previous week. So it was becoming extra stress the closer I got to the lesson and the less I felt like picking it up. The wave of relief at the response to the question of whether it was worthwhile to go to the lesson was one of the best feelings I've had all week....which later was overshadowed by how good I felt after the actual lesson.

I picked my blue beauty up out of the case for the first time in over a week. It felt nice to hold it, but I was still nervous. But as I placed my left hand and started plucking away with the right, I felt so relaxed and relieved that my fingers remembered what to do. I still remembered how to count and keep rhythm. I can still play....

The technicalities of the lesson are nothing too exciting to write about, but the lesson at the end was priceless. Just play. Play more. Find solace in playing. Have fun. Make music. Find peace.

Listen to the music. All the time.

Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

Song titles and/or lyrics keep jumping into my head as I feel compelled to write, so I'm going with it for titles. :)

Now if only I could play them...

I am less than two weeks from departure for Belize. I am heading out with the team from Cornerstone on November 6th. I am nervous and excited. I knew this would be an interesting, challenging endeavor, but I, and pretty much everyone else who is going or there, have been met with more challenges than I would have anticipated. There have been at least a few circumstances come up that have to be more than coincidence.

In my faith, I don't believe in coincidence any longer. Early on in planning for a mission trip, I have been warned several times, by several people, to be mindful of things that will happen that may derail our efforts. Christians call it spiritual warfare. I can appreciate how crazy that sounds if you're not a believer, so I'm just going to leave it at that, but I can tell you that I'm seeing it for myself, repeatedly.

We have already had a handful of team members drop out for various reasons, and that is their own story to tell of unforeseen circumstances. Now for myself, a few weeks ago I was wrestling with insecurities which are the chink in my armor that were slapped into my face with awful timing for being out of the country. Although I recognized it for what it was and was able to quash those insecurities and continue on with prepping for the trip, it eventually became self-fulfilling prophecy. I've now found myself in an uncomfortably fragile emotional state, which initially made me feel, "great, now I have to go on this trip and try to smile and help others." However, I am finding the timing is perfect (big shocker there, God) and that it is giving me something outside of myself to pour into and hopefully come back with a new perspective, and renewed faith. Further I am being challenged to trust that I will even be able to go, because I have found raising support to be more difficult than I had anticipated.

You may or may not pay attention to international weather events...I mean, come on, who doesn't? But over the last few days Belize, which is about the size of Massachusetts and sits on the shores of the Caribbean, was hit by Hurricane Richard. (what a....ok I'm going to keep it classy and avoid "Richard" jokes). It was a Category 1 at 90 mph, and I've learned the cutoff for a Category 2 is 100 mph. The mission base at Gales Point was successfully evacuated, and although none of the villagers would leave, everyone was safe. I've just learned that the damage is severe. John and Mel Bjorgen are the couple from Cornerstone who are the full time missionaries, and they just had a baby last week. They are all safe, but their apartment was flooded, and they now don't have a place to stay. The base also sustained significant damage as well as the village with roofs torn off and several homes were destroyed. Again, it is wonderful perfect timing that we are going now, so that we can assist with the rebuilding and cleanup efforts so quickly.

In all of this, all I can say is that the team heading down from Cornerstone, our friends and family, and the people already in Belize need prayer. The team has been amazing at supporting each other, and I am so excited to have these people in my life. I will continue to update for anyone who is interested, as well as for myself to put my thoughts out there and away from my head....