I'm trying to figure out this self-destructive tendency we employ when we are hurting. I can't quite tell if it's intentional, subconscious, or what. Is it because emotional pain is so intangible that we need a physical source to legitimize it? These questions come to me because I am a total girl (contrary to popular belief especially of certain guy-friends of mine) and I find myself doing stupid girl things in sad times.
There are certainly productive ways to distract ourselves and even move towards healing, but even in the midst of those things there are either over-compensatory behaviors that become destructive, or more subtle actions that undermine the process. Here's what I'm talking about....some people work out, HARD, when they are upset. Ok fine...I'm a PT. I get that exercise releases endorphins, calms us down, and improves our overall wellbeing so sleeping and energy come more naturally. But hitting the extreme of that can cause exhaustion, malnourishment, and actual musculoskeletal injuries.
On the flipside, you may find that you just don't have the physical or mental capacity to go run or whatever your sport is. So then you get more lethargic and achy and fat. Throw in comfort food, and we all see where this path leads. This coming from someone who has had frozen dairy products for dinner on three occasions over the past week...
Sleep deprivation also is not helping my cause. I've slept fewer nights than I've eaten ice cream. This clearly is not a choice. I love sleep. I typically love dreaming, but even my vivid dreams are forsaking me right now and I wish I could forget them when I wake. Boo. I honestly can't tell you if I've showered every day this week. I have made it into work every day, but somehow I've reinstated my caffeine addict status. It may, or may not have something to do with the not sleeping.
I'm getting way off course with my own examples.....there are many other things people do to "cope". Driving too fast, skipping out on work and responsibilities, drinking too much, having sex with inappropriate people, breaking things and destroying memories. Why do we do this? We are only harming ourselves more in the long run? It just doesn't make sense.
I'm trying so hard to reach out and fall into God's loving arms, and let Him take care of the hurt. Unfortunately in the context of eternity, the result can feel like it takes foreeeeeeeeevvvvvveeeeerrrrr..... But still I trust, that in His time, my heart will be healed.
Is it that simple? No, nothing is ever really simple. But I think hitting the pain head on with the Creator of the Universe in your corner is certainly more productive than punching walls or dabbling in early onset diabetes.
All we have to do is trust. Not obey first. Just trust. I have been listening to sermons, reading scripture and other text all week, and received so much love and advice. It's overwhelming to put it all together. The common theme....leave it to God. Every bit of it.
A lesson learned here is that my heart craves love and acceptance. I have abandonment issues and have suffered with loneliness off and on for as long as I can remember. When I find love, I have a paralyzing fear of failure and losing it. And then I fail and lose it. What I'm finally realizing, is that no person will ever fulfill that need in me. Only God. I will elaborate on this later....but for now will end with this: 1 John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love. But perfect loves drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love."
New topic.....You may or may not have noticed how much I pay attention to music. Song lyrics and titles plague my brain like a natural soundtrack to my life. I take comfort in relating to songs, and more recently in creating music. Now back to my being a total girl, I am drawn to music on an emotional level. I often hear a song that just captures my heart at that moment, and I like to share it because it feels like I'm letting people in to what I'm feeling inside. It's come to my attention that No Doubt, one of my favorite groups for years, has two prominent break up songs, and I can't decide which is better. I kind of want to take a poll. One is heart-wrenching, soulful, vulnerable and true. The other is the in your face, screw you, I should have known better anyway message. One aims to commiserate, the other to get over it. Both make me sing.
Don't Speak
You and me
We used to be together
Everyday together, always
I really feel
That I'm losing my best friend
I can't believe
This could be the end
It looks as though
You're letting go
And if it's real
Well I don't want to know
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Our memories
They can be inviting
But some are altogether
Mighty frightening
As we die
Both you and I
With my head in my hands
I sit and cry
Don't speak
I know just what you're saying
So please stop explaining
Don't tell me cause it hurts
Don't speak
I know what you're thinking
I don't need your reasons
Don't tell me cause it hurts
It's all ending
I gotta stop pretending who are are
You and me
I can see us dying
Are we?
So that is quite a contrast from......
Ex-Girlfriend
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
And you know it makes me sick to be on that list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed
You say you're gonna burn before you mellow
I will be the one to burn you
Why'd you have to go and pick me?
When you knew that we were different, completely
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I kinda always knew I'd end upyour ex-girlfriend
I hope I hold a special place with the rest of them
I kinda always knew I'd end up your ex-girlfriend
I'm another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed
Your wildness scares me
So does your freedom
You say you can't stand the restrictions
I find myself trying to change you
If you were meant to be my lover I wouldn't have to
And I feel so mean
I feel in between
Cause I'm about to give you away
For someone else to take
Am I making a mistake?
All the time that we wasted
I'm another ex-girlfriend on your list
But I should have thought of that before we kissed
We keep repeating mistakes for souvenirs
And we've been in between the days for years
And I know that when I see you I'm going to die
I know I'm going to want you and you know why
It's going to kill me to see you with the next girl
Cause I'm the most gorgeously jealous kind of ex-girl
But I should have thought of that before we kissed
Either way...I adore Gwen for so eloquently capturing what girls feel like when they are rejected. Maybe I'm immature for agreeing with it and sharing it, but if you're reading my blog, it's because you are curious about me and what I'm thinking and feeling. This is what I'm thinking and feeling today.
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